I wish I met you 5 years ago. Maybe I would have reacted to you differently. Maybe I would have done it different, spoken instead of choosing to keep quiet. I believed in taking risks back then. I believed in living for the moment letting tomorrow take care of itself. I wore my passion in my sleeves, followed my heart and all else paled in comparison. If I didn’t love with every last drop of my being, then it wasn’t worth it. Consequences be damned. The future will take care of itself.
That’s what I thought the day I finally got the courage to look into my heart and realized that what I felt for you was more than friendship. It was somewhere between the endless conversations and the silly laughter. I looked at you and thought: I wouldn’t mind looking at that face for the rest of my life. And then: this would never work. See, if it had been 5 years ago, I would have acted first, thought later. I would tell you how sometimes when we are in the middle of a conversation and I look up and catch you smiling, I get distracted and I just stare. Or when you hold my hand, in a friend like gesture, that long after you let go I can still feel the warmth of your fingers intertwined with mine. Your eyes sometimes leave me breathless in the middle of a sentence. If I had met you 5 years ago, then that evening when we found ourselves looking at each other, unspoken promises in the air, I would have kissed you instead of walking away.
I wish I had met you when my heart was new; when it was easy to believe that love would conquer all. Before it became what it is right now; a puzzle of mismatched glued on pieces. Some pieces missing. Before it was yanked from the realms of naivety and thrown into hard and cold reality. Now there’s an ocean of silence between us. Too much felt, too little said. Nothing left to do. Another piece.
Remember me. Remember that I was there, even though it was just a moment. Remember that sometimes the right people happen at the wrong time. Remember that sometimes the differences that first attract us to each other are the ones that end up keeping us apart. Most important remember that I cared, even when I didn’t show. Especially when I didn’t show.