The Monster Within

Have you ever reached a point where you just want to tear off your clothes, your hair; run around the city naked screaming your head off?  You feel like if you can just stop your brain from thinking or your heart from beating you’re going to be ok. For just a few moments you want to be a shell of a person, zombified in your lack of coherent thought. Just a moment of oblivious bliss to allow you to take a deep breath as you internalize the latest quake in your world that is threatening to drive you to the edge.

For the past 2 years, life has dealt me blow after blow and every time I find myself down, I somehow find a way, a piece of me somehow untouched by all the pain and I pick myself and try again. But every time I lose something, every time my will gets a beating, a light dims. And then it reaches a point that you feel that you can’t try again, you can’t survive and this time you have been driven too far.

Because I was one of those overly emotional people when I was younger, I now HATE showing emotion. I don’t like appearing to be affected by anything, so I have learned, (not yet perfected) the art of being seemingly untouched. I have created a box where I put all nastiness and it is constantly under lock and key. The problem with this is that I’ve done such a good job of burying shit that I can’t gain access to me. Sometimes I feel there’s a thick fog between me and my emotions.

What is the point of all this? Last month sucked monkey balls.

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  • Amira~j  On December 2, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    i feel the same way, the past 2 years have been hell for me. and make matters worse. away from family to support me and see me through it. I hope 2011 becomes a good year! take it easy and i think i think we will be alright!

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