NO means NO; Not MAYBE, not LATER, and DEFINITELT not TRY AGAIN next year!!

I apologize in advance for the little rant session I’m going to indulge myself in. Also I’ll consider this part public service announcement.

There’s a certain guy, who tried to hit on me sometime last year. I didn’t feel him that way and he timing wasn’t right for so I gave him a polite but firm “No, but no thanks.”   That didn’t convince him and dude continued asking me out. I’m the kind of person who takes long get mad. I try as much as possible to handle stuff cordially. So you can imagine how much he had made a nuisance of himself before I finally snapped and told him off rudely. Dude got upset and stopped talking to me. As far as I was concerned, good riddance. I had too much going on in my life at that time to worry about pacifying a grown a* and stubborn man!

Fast forward to yesterday. Out of the blues dude sends me an IM. He was polite, so I responded and we chatted a bit; the usual, how you been, what you up to etc.  Those who know me, know that I don’t keep grudges and I’m willing to let bygones be if someone behaves well. So I didn’t give him grief. BIG MISTAKE.

As soon as I log in today, dude is on my IM. At first it was ok, just catching up about mutual friends. I should have seen the first red flag when he told me “Saw your guy, M the other day”  Erm, dude has never met anyone I’ve dated. So I asked him who he was talking about. Turns out it was a pal of mine so I told him we never dated. Inane chit-chat later he asks me what I’m doing this evening, tell him I’ve got plans. What about weekend, got plans too.  Next weekend, sorry I have plans then too.  As much as it’s true that I do have plans on all those days, anyone would have seen that I was using that not to see him. He didn’t get the hint.   Next question, and by this time I’m seeing the red flags like a bull being taunted by a matador

Him: “Are you dating someone?”

Sigh.

Me: “I’d rather not say”

Silence

Him: That sounds like you’re not, cos if you were you would have told me.

Me: Fine. (Anyone who knows women knows that “fine” is really not fine!

Him: So why don’t you want me

Me: *Gritting my teeth* Can we please not have this conversation again? We discussed this last time

Silence

Him: If you don’t want to date we could have a FWB.

Me: *Against my better judgement* FWB?

Him: Friends With Benefits (Yes, good people, he put a wink at the end!)

I could almost hear the  snap when this camel’s back broke. So I told  him, with brutal honesty, exactly why I don’t want to date him! I don’t think he will ever talk to me again. I hope.

What exactly happened here? Is it just that the he isn’t used to being told no, or was he just assuming that by saying No I was playing hard to get? I know there’s a saying that goes like “persistence breaks down resistance” but I would have thought by how rude I was to him the first time he would have gotten it loud and clear. Gentlemen, contrary to popular belief, we women do know what we want, most of the time, and we definitely know what we DON’T  want. Majority of us do not like playing mind games, so please, if I tell you no, I mean it, so please take me at my word.

Battlefield

BOOM!!

Bodies flying,

Blurred visions,

Broken walls,

Screams,

Loud screams of fear, pain and anger.

Choking on thick smoke,

Words swallowed in fear.

Heart’s Awakening

It’s amazing how much we take for granted. And how much we can go through life without even realizing it. Because we’ve always had something; family, friends, health, life, religion, we assume we have a right to it and hence treat it as we choose. Sometimes we barely notice that we have it. It’s relegated to the background of our lives.

It’s only when you are confronted by someone else, someone who discovered what you’ve always had and see it through their eyes that you realize just how lucky you have been. You see someone else hold what you always thought was rightfully yours, and you see them look at it with awe and wonder in their eyes. You see the gentleness in their hands as if they are holding the most fragile thing, and you think of how roughly you’ve mishandled it. You see the joy in their faces, for discovering this thing, for finally being able to have this thing and you think of the millions of times that you barely acknowledged it. You see how this person is willing to sacrifice so much to protect it, the struggle they go through every day to make sure they have it and your eyes are suddenly opened and you see the beauty of what you always had, in the hands of someone else. You see just how ungrateful you have been.

My heart is filled with shame. Shame and profound sadness for all the years I have wasted in my life pursuing fickle things, chasing after this world, when Allah blessed me, the day I was born a Muslim. I read a strangers words and saw myself through their eyes, saw the beauty of the gift that was bestowed upon me and I weep. I weep with shame and regret and with hope. Hope that all is not lost yet.  The journey of life is filled with discovery, making mistakes and missteps. The lucky ones are allowed to see the errors of their ways, and to correct them.

To the stranger whose words will always resonate in my heart, I thank you. May Allah open the gates of the highest place in Jannah for you.

May Allah forgive me my  past transgressions and lead the Ummah to the right path. Ameen

“Ya muqalibul quluub thabit qalbii ala diinik”

the missing by Suheir Hammad

the way loss seeps
into neck hollows
and curls at temples
sits between front teeth
cavity
empty and waiting
for mourning to open
the way mourning stays
forever shadowing vision
shaping lives with memory
a drawer won’t close
sleep elusive
smile illusive
the only real is grief
forever counting the days
minutes missing without knowing
so that one day
you find yourself
showering tears
missing that love
like sugar
aches teeth

Guest Poet: Kush Gathu

Meet Kush Gathu, my friend and honorary small bro. I love his writing and I’ve been trying to get him to share his stuff for a while, but since he’s reluctant I’ve decided to throw him in the deep end. Sometimes all we need is a friend to nudge (all right this was more of a shove) us in the right direction…

Below is a sample of his stuff. Enjoy.

Promise to my unborn…

I know it’s kind of weird somewhat sort of strange,

But I’m sure I’m very sober and not at all deranged,

I’m making a promise to you at such a tender age

And I’m doing this now coz I’m indescribably enraged.

I promise to be there for you from the moment you exist

And all the undesirable things I’ll be doing I promise to desist,

I’ll take you to the best schools so no living thing can take for a fool,

Buy you the best attire so to your peers you’ll be looking cool,

I promise to learn what you hope for and what you fear,

Teach you the ways of the world so everything is clear

And if you ever need to talk daddy will always be near,

To hold you, embrace you and forever to lend his listening ear.

I’ll take note of what you like, what you don’t and what you might,

Be a guiding light in the day and darkest nights.

I promise never to criticize, demoralize or victimize you,

Nurture your mind and spirit to be civilized too

Coz you are me and I am you and for eons we both shall be….

I promise

She is

She is the most beautiful being I’ve ever seen,

To grace her presence makes me feel like a king,

She may not know this but for her I would kill,

And if I was to lose her I can’t begin to imagine the anguish I would feel.

She is more than just your average woman, more of a deity but still very human,

When she speaks her beautiful voice soothes my sadness

And when she’s sad her crystal tears fuel my madness.

Her tender touch is infinitely unmatched; she would soften any iron clad heart.

She is my source of strength, power and inspiration;

Joy, peace, love and motivation.

So I take this opportunity to make this declaration,

That I love you mama and I will be here for you regardless of the situation….

Mr. President

Excuse me Mr. President,

I am a hard-working resident,

You can tell from the lines on my face it’s quite evident,

I wanna express what I feel and I got some evidence.

I work hard toil for hours on end,

While your cronies fatten off my blood and sweat,

Insecurity is everywhere it’s a business that’s booming,

I try to smile but my face is so gloomy,

I just need you to explain something to me,

And don’t play games just answer me fully.

Why do I have to pay for your house and your car,

Your trips overseas and the drinks in your bar,

The fuel in your jet and your visits to the spa?

Please Mr. President make me understand

At least then maybe I won’t be so mad.

You and your friends with 6 foot bodyguards,

While we’re in the hood with 16 body bags.

Try and make me understand;

I feed you, clothe you, take you on trips to expensive hotels,

Buy you state of the art cars and even fuel them for you,

Pay for your entertainment, gym and spa

And last but definitely not least pay for highly trained security

While I live a life plagued by poverty, disease and unending insecurity.

I respect you Mr. President, but I just need to understand

Why don’t you ever return the Favours??

The Emancipation of Danny Boy

A Monologue

“Look at me! Look into these eyes Danny boy, these eyes that have seen you in every way! I have been in this house day in day out taking care of this family, while I let you go out there and live your dream. I have been a supportive wife, Danny, for 5 fucking years. Lord knows I have been a good wife. And now just because my ass isn’t tight anymore, and YOUR kids that I carried for 9 months have made my stomach a bit wobbly you think you can sit there and tell me that you think this isn’t working anymore?

What? Now you think you’re too good for me? Remember when I met you Danny boy? Remember how lost you were getting in all sorts of trouble with that group of riffraff you hang with? You were dead Danny boy. Dead with despair and hopelessness. An empty pool of bitterness and anger. Nobody loved you your whole life Danny. Nobody showed you that you were worth something until I came along. And I loved you from the first moment I lay my eyes on you. Even when you pretended to be a hard man Danny boy, I saw the sadness in your eyes. I saw the sweetness and the yearning that you tried to hide and I knew you needed me. And I have loved you with all your faults since then.

But now you think cos you wear them fancy clothes and go to fancy restaurants with those leeches you call your friends, who would cheat you and steal from you if you turned your back for a minute, then now I am beneath you? I got news for you Danny boy, you might have hidden behind the glitter and the shine, but I know you Danny boy. I know what you carry inside you. I know what you’re capable of. I seen in your soul and it’s a mirror of my own. So don’t you go thinking that just because the world now smiles at you that you are one of them. Me and you Danny boy, we two of a kind. We the only two people in the world who can understand us. So you can go to your fancy women, the whores who would suck a rabid dick for money, but remember this Danny, I made you who you are. Without me, you would never believe in what you could become. And I made sacrifices so that you can get ahead.

Remember, how talented I was. I brought tears in your eyes with my singing Danny boy. Remember the first time we saw each other? You said my voice was like an angel. You said that I soothed all the demons inside of you. And I would have made it too. But I gave all that up so that I could work to support us. And I didn’t mind. A good woman stands by her man.  So I worked hard, Danny boy 2 jobs, 3  sometimes so that we save enough money for you. I fed you and your kids so that you can be free of worries and build your business. How many times you lost our money, no MY money in one of your schemes? But I loved you Danny boy, and I stood by you and worked hard for you! But now your dream has come true you want to discard me like last week’s used condom? I won’t allow it Danny boy, NO WAY!!

What happened to us? Remember how we used to whisper at night? How we’d lay in each others arms after making love and make plans for our future. We said we would conquer the world, me and you and you said I was your Queen Danny boy, remember that? We can still have that can’t we Danny boy? Can’t we Danny? You still love me don’t you? I know underneath you still love me. You used to call me you good luck charm. I can still be that. Your white dove.

You hear that, Danny boy? DANNY! DANNY! DANNY BOY?”

Almost like she has woken up from a dream, she turns towards him and for the first time  notices the red around her. She vaguely wondered what it was.  Danny boy was sprawled on the bed, wearing his boxers. On his face was  a look of mocking amusement, almost like he was daring her. His abdomen was the defied the calmness on his face, a storm of flesh ribbons decorating the bed.

She looked at the bloody knife still clutched in her hands in puzzlement.  She doesn’t remember how it had gotten there.  She stared at it for a moment before sanity finally returned.

Light fades.

Wailing begins.

Should Wayne Rooney Raise Our Kids?

Everyone who knows me knows I’m an avid football fan. And Manchester United is my team of choice. Although I had a passing interest in them before, I seriously fell in love with Manchester United in the season of 1998-1999. This is the season that Man U managed to make history and win a Treble in one season; The English Premier, The FA Cup and the Champions League. The final matches for that season were dramatic and the climax was coming from behind beat Bayern Munich during injury time.

History!

So right now I am caught in the Wayne Rooney drama. For those who don’t know, Wayne Rooney has been bombarded with accusations of cheating on his wife. Gasp. With a £1200 a night PROSTITUTE. Double Gasp. WHEN HIS WIFE WAS PREGNANT!!! Help me I need CPR!! Yep, that’s just how the British interweb is reacting right now. I can almost feel the excitement jump at me from my scree.n Meanwhile neither Rooney, nor his wife has said anything so far. So I’ve spent most of the day trolling the net reading accusations, analysis and  comments.

A prostitute might lay asunder..

But this post is not about football, per se nor is it really about the clandestine lifestyle of the rich.

Stories like this are getting common in the sports and entertainment scenes and it seems that no one really learned anything from the Tiger Woods debacle. And immediately after the stories break, the comments from the outraged public come in thick and fast. Most of them condemning and self-righteous. People are disappointed in these men and women (as in the example of Alicia Keys) especially because they had been role models to many kids. It’s even worse when the accused had no history or previous indication of the said behaviour. This is the same excuse, as Tiger Woods learned, that the sponsors use when they canceling  all those lucrative endorsement deals.

And I get it, successful sportsmen and even some entertainers are great in helping to motivate our kids and help build confidence in their numerous talents and abilities. And since I decided my male offspring will play football, (£100,000 a week, anyone?) I can understand what kind of influence they can have. But why are we giving  the Tiger Woods of this world be the authority when it comes to the moral upbringing of our children?

First off, these guys didn’t get where they are due to their exemplary character. They had a talent and utilized to become the best in it. But we are partly to blame for placing them on pedestals forgetting that they’re all just living their live albeit in the public eye and are prone to all the stupidity and mistakes that the rest of us make. Secondly, if your child is looking up to these guys for guidance, then as a parent you need to do a serious self-examination. It is your responsibility to make sure you raise your kids right to be able to make the right choices.

So before we go lashing at these “role-models” for living their lives and not being able to handle the responsibilities we imposed on them,  let’s make sure WE are our kids best role models.

And as for Wayne Rooney and his family, my sympathies. But my business with all this is whether he’ll be able to get past this and play well for the team. I hope so. And dude, next time, confidentiality contracts are your best friend!!

Hear My Prayer

Dear God,

It’s me again

I’ve called out to You many times

I’ve sent my problems Your way

Sometimes it seems I’m always whining.

My prayers to You have been various

Sometimes selfish, sometimes mundane

But this time God, I have a special request

This time I ask for You.

Dear God,

I feel empty

I’ve walked many streets

I’ve met many people

I have laughed, cried, loved and despaired

I have found pleasure and deep sadness in this world

But despite being around people, I fee alone.

Like I’m caught in a circle of icy vacuum

No one can pierce through to touch me

No matter how much they care, how much they reach out

I  now know it’s only You who can fill this void.

Dear God,

I need you

I’m tired of crying alone in the dark

The only time I can dare show my shame

Drowning me in bitter regret

Helpless and lost

I seek reassurance, comfort, solace.

Dear God,

I’m on my knees

I’m insignificant without You

I submit myself to Your will, my Lord

I beg you to hear my call

Hold my hand and guide me

Committing me to Your cause

Dear Lord, hear my prayer

Midnight Thoughts

~~~

The silent whispers of my heart,

So faint, you can barely make the words.

The restless murmurs of my soul,

So dark, you can barely see the pain.

~~~~~

The Proposal: Part 3

The Proposal is a short story about a young  woman of about 21 yrs who’s about to have her life changed. This is the conclusion of the story. Read  Part 1 and Part 2.

Enjoy!

Before Salma could act, Nasra and a group of her friends came to join her. She lost the guy in the crowd. Next time she saw him he was with a group of boys. Her curiosity aroused, Salma kept him in her radar. A few times she caught him staring at her. Once he caught her and gave her a smile. About an hour later, Salma was coming out of the kitchen with a tray of glasses when she ran into him. Literally. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I wasn’t looking where I was going.” ”It’s OK, I wasn’t looking either.” She looked up and saw it was the boy.

“Beautiful eyes,” she thought. “Deep pools of liquid honey. If I’m not careful, I could drown in there.”

“Even more stunning up close,” he thought. Her skin looks like satin. Wonder what she’ll do if I touch her.

A moment of awkward silence ensued as they stared at each other. “You,” he said. “You’ve been avoiding me”.  Salma realized that he was holding her arm. Lightning shooting from his fingers. She also noticed that the group around them was looking with interest. “Erm, I, I, have to go. They need the glasses,” she stammered looking at her arm. “Sorry,” he reluctantly let go. “Let me help you with that.”  “Thanks, I need to arrange them at the food table,” she smiled at him. Rays of sunshine.

“My name is Zahir,” he finally introduced himself as they worked. “Salma,” she answered.  “Do you live here, Salma?” He asked. She nodded.  “Oh, I live abroad. I’m visiting. I came to the party with my friend Steve,” he continued pointing at another boy at the dance floor. “I think you went to school with him; we were friends before I left the country. Do you know him?” “Yes,” she said. He frowned at her one word answers. He had hoped he could draw her into conversation. Maybe she’s not interested, he glumly thought. For the first time in his life, Zahir was unsure of himself.

For the first time in Salma’s life, words escaped her. She felt flustered and excited at the same time. This made her uncomfortable and she didn’t like it. She never lost control of herself. She needed to get away to compose herself. While she was thinking of a polite way to get away, Nasra joined them. “This is the best party ever! We throw a good party my Best Friend.” She enthused. She noticed Zahir and she gave her a curious look. Salma knew her friend well and inwardly sighed. She quickly said “This is Zahir, he was helping me arrange the glasses.” before Nasra said something that would embarrass her. It didn’t help. “I can see that” Nasra said looking pointedly at his hand on her arm. “How did that get there?” she wondered. In true Nasra fashion, she continued to interrogate him. In a way, Salma was glad; because she could get to know him without showing him she was interested. Zahir was slick though. In a few minutes she had them laughing. “Oh, this is Salma’s favourite song. Zahir, why don’t you dance with her?” Nasra said with a mischievous look. He didn’t need to be told twice.  “I’m gonna kill you, Nasra!” Salma whispered as they moved to the dance floor. Nasra laughed and moved on to another group.

At first she was nervous, but Nasra was right, she did like this song so she soon loosened up. Plus Zahir was a very good dancer. And she didn’t mind his arms around her at all! This was a new feeling for Salma and she was enjoying it. After the dance, Salma and Zahir spent the rest of the evening with a group of their friends, so they didn’t get much time to be alone. But Salma liked him. And from the number of times she caught him looking at her, and finding excuses to be close to her, she knew he felt the same. All too soon the party winded down and it was time for Salma to go home. They exchanged phone numbers and tentative plans to meet again. When she got home, he sent her a text saying that it had been a pleasure meeting her and he was looking forward to see her again. After a recap of the night with Nasra, Salma slept with a smile on her face.

***************************************

Salma’s mother noticed that there was something amiss with her daughter. But Salma reassured her she was fine so she put it down to anxiety at the prospect of meeting the boy. Salma was in a bad mood. She hadn’t met anyone who had affected her like Zahir had and it was all so unfair. For the first time, Salma questioned her culture and her parents’ wisdom.

While the guests and her parents ate, Salma stayed in her room on the pretext of baby sitting and kept herself busy by entertaining her nephews. The kids always managed to put her in a good mood and by the time her mother called her to serve dessert, she was feeling slightly better. She had also decided she was just going to tell her parents that she wasn’t interested in the boy. It was rare for a girl to reject her parents’ preferred choice, but it wasn’t completely unheard of. She knew her mother would be upset, but she hoped that they would understand. She would enlist her father’s help.

Salma carried the bowl of faluda and went to the sitting room where they had moved to after lunch.  “Asalam Aleikum,” she greeted. “Waaleikum Salam,” they answered. She saw her eldest brother and his wife and smiled at them.  She hadn’t looked around the room and she concentrated on serving the dessert in small bowls. “Salma, meet your Aunt Hamida and Uncle Swaleh,” her mother introduced as she served the dessert.  “And that’s their son,” Salma could hear the barely disguised excitement in her mother’s voice. She looked up and her gaze was met by a familiar pair of eyes. I’d know those eyes anywhere. The look of surprise in them mirrored hers. Her heart skipped a beat as she realized what happened. She started to smile. It’s Zahir! She thought happily. The gloom she had felt the whole day lifted. Zahir started to smile with pleasure before comprehension hit him suddenly it him. No, it can’t be her, he thought.

Salma’s was puzzling at Zahir’s sudden changed expression when she heard her mother say, “No, that’s Zahir, Aunt Hamida’s nephew. Her son, Ali is the one seated next to your brother.”  Salma felt her world spinning out of control from the roller coaster of emotion. She heard a crash as the bowl she was holding slipped from her hands. The tears she had been determined not to shed since morning felt dangerously close to falling. “Salma!” her mum gasped. “I’m sorry” she mumbled. “Let me get something to clean that.” She looked up and found Zahir looking at her miserably. She quickly left the room before she embarrassed herself and broke down.

The End